


Raven Kingz

by laurellance



Series: the author was trying to be funny [2]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Crack, F/M, I'm Going to Hell, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 00:50:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7553812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurellance/pseuds/laurellance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something happens in Marietta? The Raven King revisited, with sex pollen, three way sex, and the death of logic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raven Kingz

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning, this is as inane as My Immortal, and just as disrespectful to the source canon. But with better grammar. 
> 
> Do try to keep in mind this is not to be taken seriously, k thx.

Adam gets drunk one day. No one knows why, no one can explain it, but apparently he shows up at Noah's grave and just pees on it. No one can explain it, not even Adam. But that happens and the ley line starts acting up again, because things are being destroyed apparently and this is like The Raven King plot only better cause The Raven King was a disappointment of a book. 

Shit happens cause Noah's grave is desecrated and the world starts acting up again. The daughter of the Raven King speaks her usual cryptic riddles, Blue scowls at someone and makes reluctant heart eyes at Gansey, who is busy trying not to kiss Adam.

Henry Cheng does his usual Asian hipster thing where he doesn't stop talking. It kinda gets annoying. He also drives around some really expensive car and someone spray paints it one day with some obscene insult or another and Ronan doesn't dream him up a new one because he doesn't really like Henry. 

Pig is still a faulty piece of shit Gansey drives around while he makes heart eyes to Adam but this is meant to be TRK canon compliant although who really cares at this point. 

Adam talks and talks and talks and no one tells him to shut up like they do with Henry. Adam is a fan favourite apparently, so he can't be written off just yet.

* * *

 

Then the sex pollen arrives.

* * *

 

Also Noah somehow comes back from the dead? One day he shows up whole in the Sargent household and it's weird but he's whole and alive now? Ronan can't throw him out of a window now, although Noah does ask Ronan to dream him his collection of early 2000 pop-punk music. 

Neither use the phone cause Noah doesn't really know how to use it, and Ronan doesn't use his phone anyway. So Noah plays with it, buys $600 worth in games, and Declan calls and asks about it. 

They're still good friends. Only now Noah is visible and Ronan apparently still has feelings for Adam but Adam is trying to figure out a way to get into the thing Gansey and Blue have going. Noah tries to drag Ronan to try skateboarding, which fails because apparently only Noah can manage to do complicated flips on a skateboard and look good doing it. 

Ronan takes a nap close by, and it's something? They're not fucking just yet so like whatever.

* * *

 

Blue's curse thing is magically fixed, so she and Gansey do it. Adam joins them in this time and it's a three way howling and screaming and sexual enjoyment and oh god the author is going to hell. 

The hickeys left behind are all over, and in the oddest places too.

* * *

 

Anyway so like the magical sanctuary the dreamers take from is still being destroyed. Everything sucks and everything is awful and Blue and Gansey and Adam like their three way sex. 

There's also the case of Noah going to church with Ronan, and Declan thinks they're more than friends? Listen, Noah smiling and making jokes at Ronan isn't new, but Declan Lynch can't seem to recognise a boy who was dead for seven years prior. 

Matthew and Noah become instant friends.

* * *

 

Artemis the tree nymph is next, in the three way fucking that goes on. So his tree is used, and he gets images of the daughter he never quite knew doing things he knew for a fact were traumatising so he kinda runs to another tree far far far away and that is how the coward of a husband leaves. 

To be honest the only thing the fandom really cares about is Pynch so that's not that important. (Even if the build up was tiny but lmao okay whatever Maggie.)

* * *

 

The three ladies of 300 Foxway end up getting no prediction for this future because it's so messy and so fucked up but this is still more memorable than The Raven King. 

Or any book in the Heroes of Olympus series. Cause the plot is unique, and My Immortal level bad without the super-powered Mary Sue Enoby screaming "gothik" every five seconds while screwing Vampire Potter or Darco or crying tears of blood and drinking Count Drakola. 

~~Also if it really wasn't obvious the author really hated the Raven King and was looking at the US Presidential Election 2016 RPF fic when inspiration hit.~~

The author is so going to hell for this.

* * *

 

Bottles of alcohol show up out of the blue and everyone gets drunk. There's fingering from Blue, moans from Gansey, and Adam who kinds orgasms. Henry gets no love, just Pig. Although the car is a kinda a piece of shit so it's still not worth as much as the robot magic bee he uses to spy on people. 

Also Noah is a really embarrassing drunk who confesses all kinda stuff to Ronan. They break into Declan's apartment to steal a fire hydrant and have some kinda drunken honest talk on the roof of the Barns.

* * *

 

Cabeswater (so that was the name of the magical asylum) kinda fixes itself cause Ronan dreams that it's all fine and dandy and Roah have sex so everything's fine all of a sudden.

* * *

 

Artemis stays in a giant oak in DC for a few centuries all chill and nice and not traumatising. 

Moira and the ladies get more business, and Maeve is defeated because logic died the minute the sex pollen was released and everything went to an alternate reality where My Immortal kinda happens. 

In the authors defense, she's a piece of shit. She also kinda hates the Raven King.

* * *

 

So like everythings ok now, and Gansey and Blue and like Henry have their trip to Latin America. They promise to stay in touch with Adam and Noah and Ronan, and Adam heads off to college, I think?

So anyway Adam goes to college and like Ronan spends his time at the barn dreaming and shit and like everything is meant to be okay. Noah is safe and happy and he is actually appreciated.

* * *

 

The end, I think? There's more stories to tell, but to pull a Marc Guggenheim is to be a disgusting human being so anyway the end have fun either staring in shock at this at the cringeworthyness of it or take it as a joke because My Immortal influenced it a lot. But the grammar and syntax is better? 

At least? Anyway have like 1.1K words of crack to rage at. 

**Author's Note:**

> I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THIS IM SORRY. (Evanescence's Wake Me Up plays in the background.)
> 
> Highly inspired by Political RPF Fic I found on AO3 (US Presidential Election 2016 Version). Words cannot express how truly sorry I am for writing this, or how dirtybadwrong it is. The inner canon geek in me is disgusted at me for writing this, for deliberately messing up canon so much. (Although some errors were just cause I don't remember what happened in the series. Like the name of Marietta or the names of the psychic ladies.)
> 
> (tumblr: @peterspettigrew)


End file.
